O D E
I
put the beast to sleep
For
a very very long time
Because thinking to
Feed it somehow seemed wrong
But
then I’ve been gone
So
so long
Not
realizing
That the beast and I
Are
one
Feeding it is feeding me
Starving it is starving me
And
ending every day like that
Will keep us both,
The
beast and I-Self,
From roaming around with no goal
So
feed feed
So
feed feed the beast
Give it another name
If
beast scares your nightmared Ego or your Id
But
for my sake
Feed IT
I’ve made the beast change places
Put
masks on
So
it looks like different faces for everybody’s sake
Partnered myself with others
Forgotten and wiped some pictures from my memory
Hoping
If
it’s gone
I
wouldn’t have to worry
Because it can’t be lost
Again,
It’
gone
It’s gone
Don’t live your losses twice
Don’t beat about and thrash at night
It’s gone it’s gone
But
I’ve even forgotten
What I miss
I
don’t even know that it exists
Don’t know how I got here
Or
even why I stayed so long/I’ve been gone this long?
I
know now
Crossing rivers, searing through skies’buying duty free to appease
many others
Speaking correctly walking easy in
Other strange new continents,
Were my sly ways to take a journey
With the beast
I couldn’t bear to chain it up
In dark rooms, pining with neglect
Couldn’t tell another now
That is something I regret
Thought if I change
The
landscape frequently
It
takes a while for people
To
suspect I carry
The
beast –
The
very thing I am
So
long, so long hidden
So
after all I see
That’s why I don’t know
Who
I am
In
the process I tolerated
Simpletons
Allowed a lot of fools
To
think me less
Because showing who I am
Was
just not for the best for beast or I
Sometimes when my feet were sure
I pretended to stumble
‘Cause God knows others leave you alone
when they think you’re weak
but mean time
inside
my poor thing waned
I heard it bleat
Like a tortured sheep
I tied and beat my own animal
It stumbled from hunger
And I pretended not to see
So always the last thing I did
Was feed
In
my life I’ve been kind
To
mice to men to others
But
I’ve mangled the only thing that is my
Essence
I’ve betrayed myself
If
ever I curled up in agony
It
was today
Not
even I knew that it was this way
For
ever I glamorized
My
Ancient Mariner’s fate
I
thought it was in order not
To
be me, to always barely breathe
It’s OK I thought
Not
to be me, to forget I
Had
a me
But
with every breath
And
through every agonizing, tortured self-written script
I
had been waiting
To
be free
I coupled myself with men
It seemed to be acceptable,
But this is it no
The me that does exist
Without some ‘he’
It’s me, It’s me
I
want to say, whisper,
Sign, sing, shout
It’s me so absolutely starved
It’s me
That you left butchered in corners
Bleeding like a young calf,
Left halved, starved
I bleated, I bled
I repeated
To myself “who am I?” in dark alleys
And foreign mirrors and apologized to others
Sorry I don’t know who I am
And walked my life as another other one
I
don’t need anymore for you to visit me
Or
wonder if I had a little sister that sits in dark corners
With me
That holds my hand
When I silently weep weep weep
It
was I myself and no one else
That suspected that I knew the words to this strange song
That is not really dark and is not very long,
But
now for once, right or wrong
I’m
done.
So, some cynics would say,
What then would have been different?
If you and your beast had been fed and not
Neglected as you said
Oh, I don’t owe you an answer
But I’d love to say the words anyway
I would have sung my songs sooner
I would have avoided some alleys and strangers
I would have reported some thefts of my soul
I would have painted some pictures to help the panic
That our galaxy is in
Who knows
Bibby
January 26, 2008
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O D E to self